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Apr. 29th, 2007

She is nowhere and everywhere at the same time

So so so torn between spending endless hours hanging out for the last time with these friends of mine and studying for finals! It's been real difficult this year putting my nose to the grindstone- in fact, I don't think I've succeeded in doing it even once yet.
Ahhh! so much is at my fingertips! 21!, graduation!, summer! it's just torturous being stuck in this purgatory called finals week!

Apr. 27th, 2007

(no subject)

I'm just a little girl who doesn't fit in.
and sometimes I feel bad about that
because I used to live in a world where that was just fine.
But it's not anymore, and I'm having a tough time adjusting to the change.

Apr. 18th, 2007

Looking Back

I have never had a semester that I've learned SO MUCH. It's very fitting that it's my last one as an undergrad. Wow, So many things I've learned about people, life, tolerance, love, the world, and most importantly, myself! It has been one crazy, emotional, hard, amazing, semester. I have cried more, laughed more, seen more, done more, BECOME more than I have in all of my four years at school combined- I honestly think so. It's been unreal. And through it all, there are people who have been there that I will love forever and people that I'd like to eventually thank for teaching me so much. But no matter who has come and gone- in this semester and in these four years of college, I am so happy with the one person who has been there through it all--myself. There's been a lot of shit and a lot of great things that I've shared with many people, but there's also been a lot of times that the only person I can attribute a certain situation or triumph to is myself. I'll be walking away from this whole experience with a couple good friends who I'll keep for ever, some incredible memories I'll never forget, a few very important regrets that I'll never repeat, and a person who has built herself upon a mountain of experiences and lessons- a person who can go anywhere and do anything. And for that, it was worth all the while.

Apr. 8th, 2007

(no subject)

IT started out bad, but it ended up better.Thanks, I know now it'll all be fine.

Mar. 31st, 2007

(no subject)

"You just get tough."
My mother is amazing. Sometimes I think she acts like a complete airhead but when it comes to the real important stuff, she's really got her shit together. I always used to wonder how she could be so unconcerned with all those issues that I deemed "so important" in life but I think she has just learned that the complicated stuff isn't the important stuff. And she really is one tough woman. She's been through a lot and you'd never know how tough she is by just looking at her. Hell, I am just now after 21 years, learning how tough she really is. I think that's awesome that she saves her toughness for when she really needs it but yet it's always there to keep anyone who is underserving of her presence at at least arm's length. In many ways, I hope I turn out to be a lot like her. I think I'm gonna make it because of her.

Mar. 12th, 2007

Human Afterall

I'm done posting to livejournal for awhile. It gives a false sense of knowing someone and I'm really sick of being a part of all these online identities (myspace, which I'll probably quit and facebook, which I probably won't) that people can create for themselves because it's all really very fake. Not to say that my postings here are fake but, that if you really are interested in what's happening in my life, you should just ask me because then you'd get a much better idea. And as far as my philosophical rants and ramblings, well, think of all the writers out there, all the artists that went crazy because of their art. I don't want that to happen to me, and though it's a bit extreme, I can see it as a possibility. This is why I once made the decision not to be an English major, not to be a writer. Because I've come to understand that when you write, you live in only in a world of which you can write about and you end up writing about a world in which you don't live. And, I've decided once that I didn't want this life and it's time to renew my vows. So, adieu for now or forever... we'll see.

Mar. 10th, 2007

IT's one of those kinds of days, I swear, where we don't get nowhere

-Nicotine withdrawal hurts my head.
-Our hockey team just beat Harvard twice this weekend. We're pretty awesome at hockey here.
-Spring came today! I don't know how long she'll stay. But I got to wear my sandals and take a lovely walk down the road in just a light coat and was only a little cold.
-I'm being a huge loser tonight. I ducked out of all my social options and opted to hole up in my room to listen to music.
-I made a chicken casserole for dinner for everybody tonight. I really like having "family meals." It's that whole potluck thing that I think is awesome. It's really great that people can come together to prepare and share their food and just hang out. It was fun.
-Sandy keeps coming over and exclaiming how psyched she is for Spain. I'm having a hard time reaching her level of excitement because I'm just so unsure of what to even be excited for. I have no idea what to expect of this trip.
-Mike from home keeps peeking back into my life at the most inopportune times. I have to become stronger when it comes to men. I like him but he's just like another Mike I know.
-My hair's getting to be sort of mullet looking lately. The sides are growing in so the mohawk look is becoming less pronounced when I wear it up. But when i wear it down and just mess it around some, it looks like a bowl cut/mullet/mushroom top because the top is too thick. I don't really know how I should grow it out because everyone says I should trim up the longish parts until it blends into the sides but the sides are reaally short and I definetly don't want to cut the top much more. I'll probably just keep letting it grow down and deal with the awkwardness. I mean, I got a mohawk. There's bound to be some awkwardness involved. ha.
-Everyone's all sad about us leaving each other after this semester but I've honestly begun to really look forward to getting all these people out of here and starting fresh next year. I've already counted the kids I'll miss and the total comes to approximately 2.
-Nick's at NCOR this weekend. I wish I could have gone. He asked me to go and initially I thought I could pull it off but I have two exams this coming week and a lot of shit to take care of before we leave next weekend. Sometimes I'm very jealous of his life though he sacrifices a lot in order to live the way he does...
-I don't want to be 21. The bar is lame and the only cool thing about going now is that i'm underage and that makes it fun to be there and get served when I'm not supposed to. But once it's legal then all the fun is gone and then I'm just like every other lame-o who has to go out and prance around with all the other cool kids. eh such is life.
-I miss the days when people didn't care so much about being like everybody else. I look around at almost all of the people I used to admire here, and as they've gotten older they've become much less interesting, much less innovative, and so much more concerned with doing what everyone else does. blah. I really need to meet some more cool people because all the ones i used to know stopped being cool when they started being "cool."

Mar. 9th, 2007

(no subject)

The other day, I tried on my hiking pack that I'm going to take to Spain and it made me realize how much I really need to start hiking again. I miss it. That will be one of my goals for the summer. Hike a few peaks. I'm glad I'm going to be in the Adirondacks and not in stupid Potsdam. One week till Spain!! Fuck yeah.

Mar. 6th, 2007

Young Modern and the life I've lived beginning with Frogstomp, the day I was born.

Silverchair is releasing their new album, Young Modern, on March 31st. Silverchair was my absolute FAVORITE band while I was growing up. I started listening to them when I was around 13. Of course, Frogstomp started out as my favorite album. Then I got into freak show and its heavier feel. Their most popular album, Neon Ballroom, was released during my peak years of high school and I fell in love with it. Diorama was released sometime in 2002, and was their last album before they went on "hiatus" in 2003. Diorama was very different from all the rest and I felt somewhat distanced from it. Perhaps it was the dark and angsty lyrics that they'd left out of the album that made me feel as though they were deceiving me. Anyway, I just finished giving a few of their sample cuts from the new album a listen, and I'm excited for the albums release. However, this is a different Silverchair than the one I grew up with. While listening to the new cuts, I started remembering how MUCH I adored this band when I was younger.

When I was high school, I lived and breathed music. I honestly created this world in which I felt wholly connected to certain bands and musicians. Their lyrics and the feelings their music gave me was my own reality, completely separate from that reality that now connects you and me and the rest of the world. And given that it was high school and during that time, not much was required of me, I was able to exist purely within the contructs of my favorite songs. No one's opinion ever mattered to me. Not my friends, not my parents, not my teachers, only the rockstars. Only Daniel Johns, only Corey Taylor, only Kurt Cobain, only John Frusciante. I lived my life to be like them. I consulted lyrics and album artwork in order to make my decisions. I took up the causes they fought for and I learned to love pain because pain makes beautiful art. I learned to be discontent, I learned to search for meaning in all of life's absurdities and I learned to scoff at the mainstream. Daniel Johns taught me that meat is murder through, "Spawn Again," and Corey Taylor told me that life was better lived alone and John Frusciante taught me that to be misunderstood is an art in itself.

Sometimes I wish so badly that I could go back to that life. Go back to that girl I used to be and spend all day in her playground of illusions, living with the musicians and letting their music inspire her life. I miss that life so much.

*Sigh* But as everyone is so quick to remind me, I can't live in fairy tale land forever.

But back to this new album. I know haven't heard it all, but what i've heard, I honestly don't like that much. It's sad because while I've moved on, so have all my idols. The album is pretty poppy and all fashionable and shit. It's not rock, it's not raw, it's not alternative at all but, nonetheless, I will stand by Silverchair. They've been a part of me for so long and they made me who I am and I will never abandon them.

(no subject)

Dear Kid,

Sorry, I can't commit. I really don't know what I was thinking. I never really wanted you or anybody in the first place. Sorry I gave you that idea. I know you'll probably see me around some and it'll be awkward. That'll be my fault too. Oops. Sometimes it just takes someone like you to remind me how much i genuinely like the way my life is going, generally. I guess sometimes I just want a hug or a kiss or a fuck, nothin permanent and that's where I got you all tripped up. But I'll still be nice. I promise. I'll smile at you in that computer lab when I decide to randomly stop in. Just know though, that no matter what my whim invites me to say to you that day, I'll always decide against ever being apart of someone else, so don't get your hopes up. Again, sorry kid- I really don't know what I was thinkin. But thanks for reminding me of just how I like things to be.

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